baking to soothe my mind

Eleven hours and thirty minutes into my last shift of the week, I did something wrong. I was judgmental. In that moment, I became a bad nurse. As I clocked out, I said a prayer, for her, her unborn child fighting to live, for myself. I thanked God she wasn't around while I was being judgmental and because God knew my sin well enough, I was lucky I was not her nurse. I have never felt more horrible doing my job than this exact time. My eyes were wide open as I clocked out and I decided that I would go grocery shopping. As I perused through the final aisles, my eye lids began to feel heavy. Just as I was standing in line getting all of my fabric grocery bags ready (so the person behind me wouldn't have to wait while I was trying to be green and not using the convenient plastic bags), I got yelled at for not moving 2 feet ahead of me by the very person I was trying to be considerate of. It really would not have made a difference, there were two people in front of me with carts as full as mine. I admit my mind was occupied. I kept seeing her blood clots in my hands, her pale face just wouldn't leave my vision, I could not stop hearing her baby's heart beat drop as I held her hand and told her to take deep breaths. I kept repeating my coworker said in my head, "you could have not prevented this." Yes, but, maybe if I hadn't...didn't...I felt like I was being punished for my previous thoughts, which I happened to say aloud to my coworkers, before the trauma.

My face red as a cherry tomato, trying to hold back words (maybe a few curse ones) I exited the line so as to not confront the lady who just yelled at me and moved to a cashier who had just turned on her light.

I pulled an Izzie (from Grey's Anatomy), put on on my baking clothes, and started mashing really ripe bananas that I had. I baked banana macadamia nut muffins courtesy of Epicurious via Bon Apetit. I accidentally put twice the amount of nutmeg called for and I wouldn't recommend it. I thought the macadamia nuts added a different crunch but the muffins probably would be so much better if I had sprinkled raw sugar on top of each muffin (as stated in the recipe). I think I will stick to my Apple-Banana Muffins.

After cleaning up my mess, my belly full of a couple of muffins and a glass of milk, I lay in bed thinking about the what happened at work. I don't know what time I went to bed, I'm guessing 2 in the afternoon because I woke up at 10 pm just to bake again.